The Dentist
by Neocolai
Summary: Modern day mayhem for the heirs of Durin. Kili broods, Fili is amused, and Thorin regrets dragging his youngest nephew out the door.


**A burst of random inspiration that can only be blamed on the dust bunnies hiding under my bed. I still have no idea where this plot came from...**

**I do not own the Hobbit or anything associated with Tolkein's works.**

* * *

"Can we just agree this was a bad idea?"

"Kili, let go of the chair and _sit down_. This is hardly a torture session."

"Easy for you to say; you're not the one who is going to be strapped to a table and sliced apart by - "

"Kili, it's a _dentist_. Not a surgeon. Will you relax and sit down already?"

Arms quivering from the strain, Kili gingerly lowered himself into the grim looking chair and leaned back, his spine barely touching the padded seat as he clutched the armrests in a death grip. Fili rolled his eyes and batted his brother over the head, choosing to comfortably lean against the head of the chair as he gloated over his brother's trepidatious expression.

"Comfortable already?"

"Just shut up!" Kili grimaced.

"It's not like you haven't had an appointment since you were six, Kili."

"I was five. And if you remember, Thorin fainted when they accidentally pulled out a tooth."

Fili barely hid a chuckle in time, forcing the expression into a cough when his Uncle shot him a heated glare. "Oh, yes... Forgot he was new to babysitting at the time. I don't think he was used to bloody knees and broken arms yet."

"Was it that bloody?" Kili wondered with a confused expression. "I don't remember."

Drumming his fingers against the head of the chair, Fili hummed, "Let's just say you didn't eat anything but jello for a week, and Thorin nearly tore the dentist apart when he regained his senses."

S.M.A.U.G. Dental Clinic had been a nightmare Fili would gladly have forgotten. He could swear his teeth had been terrified of cavities ever since. Thorin had tried to sue after Kili had been mercilessly picked apart, but the disdainful prosecutor he had been referred to had been tragically on vacation at the time and would _not_ be disturbed. Hence the irony, Fili supposed that that very dentist was destined to see to Kili's teeth this afternoon. Mirkwood Dentistry... even the name tasted as foul as Thorin's bitterness towards the founder. Why in Durin's name did Mother have to schedule them for an appointment _here_?

Still perplexed at Fili's statement, Kili tilted his head to the side, his brow furrowing as he tried to place the memory. "Did Uncle Thorin ever tell Mum what happened?"

"Coherently? No. Between his raving and the gaping hole you proudly displayed she figured it out on her own."

Slapping Fili's hand away as his brother's obnoxious tapping continued, Kili folded his arms crossly and sat back with a huff of distaste. At least he was somewhat relaxed, Fili considered, even if he was a brooding thunderstorm ready to lash out at the first unfortunate assistant to offer him a cheery 'Good Morning.' Poor Kili; he would have gladly taken on the notorious Goblin Gang single handed if properly riled, but faced with the uncertainty of the dentist's chair and he was plain _scared._ It was a wonder he had remained in the building at all. Fili had half expected his brother to have scrambled out of the nearest window and down a drain pipe by now.

"Why do we have to be here?" Kili grouched at length.

"Because _Mother _found out that the past twelve years of dental appointments were covert excursions to the ice cream shop," Fili sighed. "Now she has seen fit to punish us by scheduling the appointment herself. We are trapped, Kili, and there is nothing Uncle Thorin can do to rescue us this time."

"Why do _I_ have to go first?" Kili berated, casting his brother his most scathing '_I'm being picked on and I don't particularly like you at this moment' _glower.

"Because _I_ happen to have very nice teeth and I want to get _you_ into the battlefield before the poor assistants let down their guard," Fili retorted, grinning widely to show off his even, white teeth and chuckling when Kili feigned a punch at his mouth.

"You're mean," Kili sulked, turning away from his brother with the determination to ignore him. Bored soon enough without the banter of Fili's teasing, he fiddled with the buttons on the chair. His eyes widened as he started to lean back and he hastily sat up, shuddering in horror of what would happen when he was tied down and his mouth pried apart by tongs, sharp implements scraping against his teeth and gouging his gums as...

"Kili. Snap out of it."

Startled out of his daze, Kili jumped slightly before mumbling, "I wasn't panicking, Fili."

"No, you were just staring at the chair like it was a bear trap and forgetting how to breathe," Fili rolled his eyes. He flicked the switch on the chair and held it down until the back righted itself, then ruffled his brother's hair fondly and assured, "It's all right, Kili. I'll be right beside you the whole time."

"I hate dentists," Kili grumbled, settling back uncomfortably and wriggling in nervous anxiety. "What's taking so long?"

"So eager to get started? If I had know, I would have asked for an earlier appointment."

The comment was too low for a retort, and Kili sufficed with turning on the headlamp and shining it in Fili's eyes.

Fili yelped and slapped the light away, covering his eyes as green splotches swam in his vision. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have the temper tantrums of a two-year-old?"

Kili crinkled his nose and sank lower into the chair, refusing to give his brother even the satisfaction of his attention. Clipped footsteps heralded the approach of the evil one, however, and with a convulsive gulp Kili straightened and grabbed his brother's hand, all irritation vanishing as he sought Fili's assurance. Patting his brother's hand with a shake of his head, Fili offered the assistant a beaming smile and assured,

"He's a little jumpy, but don't worry; he's harmless."

Giving him a cool stare, the assistant swept her red hair back and tapped her pen against her clipboard as she stepped forward. Regarding the pen and paper as though it was a deadly longbow and arrow, Kili shrank away and swallowed hard, instinctively clamping his lips down as though to protect his vulnerable mouth.

"Open," the assistant ordered in a clipped tone as she placed down her clipboard. 'Tauriel,' her name tag read. Fili grinned at her and raised his brow hintingly, only to receive a calmly raised eyebrow in dismissal.

Unaware of his brother's flirtatious attempts, Kili eyed the tiny mirror Tauriel picked up and cautiously scooted back until he was trapped against the high back of the chair. He whimpered slightly and raised one knee, loathe to kick at a woman but desperate enough to resort to _anything _to escape.

"Kili."

Thorin's quiet warning caused Kili to wince and he fell back in defeat, all too aware that his Uncle had abandoned him to his doom.

"Open," the assistant ordered once more, picking up a nasty, sharp looking hook shaped tool and bringing it closer to Kili's face.

He could stand the strain no longer and he lashed out, his teeth snapping within inches of Tauriel's fingers as she hastily drew back.

"Wha- Kili!" Fili shouted in horror. "How many times do I have to tell you, _don't bite the nurses!_"

"She's going to pull out all my teeth, and then I'll be ugly for the rest of my life, and that pretty girl at school will never look at me again, and Mother will never speak to Uncle Thorin and I'll be forever disgraced, and - " Kili ran out of breath all too soon, his ceaseless ramblings cut mercifully short for his nerve-wracked brother.

"Kili, calm down," Fili insisted, placing his hands on his brother's shoulders and holding him back against the seat. "You're going to be fine. I _promise, _she will not hurt you."

Tauriel watched the exchange with professional calm, waiting until Kili reluctantly opened his mouth a fraction before moving in with the horrendous tools. Kili squeezed his eyes shut as something scraped against his teeth, prying at every corner of his mouth as the mirror was mercilessly shoved between his cheek and his gum.

_I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die..._

"You're not going to die, Kili," Fili chuckled as though reading his brother's thoughts.

Kili yearned to argue otherwise, but his capability of speech was robbed from him as a length of twine was forced between his teeth in brisk, knifing strokes. Fili clacked his tongue sympathetically and Kili nearly hit the roof a second later as he saw blood staining the deceptively tiny strand of green rope looped around Tauriel's gloved fingers.

"What in Mahal's name are you doing to him?" Thorin demanded, his face paling as he surged to his feet. Instantly he was thronged by a small army of dentists, his reputation of rearranging the head dentist's teeth twelve years before having preceded him.

"Sir, you need to sit down..."

"You will be asked to leave if you cannot control yourself..."

"Let me through!" Thorin demanded, shoving an irate long haired assistant aside. "I expected this to be a humane dental clinic, not a torture chamber!"

"Sir, if you would just..."

Swiping a finger across his aching gums, Kili stared in horror at the crimson staining his skin. "Fili, it's blood!" he whispered, his eyes widening in dreadful realization. _"It's blood, it's blood, it's_... oh, man, I can't believe it! They pulled out my tooth!"

"Kili, it's fine!" Fili hollered, lunging for his brother as Kili launched himself from the chair. "It's only - Kili, wait a moment!"

"His only problem is that he clearly has not flossed in years," Tauriel snorted in distaste, attempting to shove her errant patient back into his seat. "Stop this childish behavior at once, Mister Oakenshield. _Sit down!"_

Gasping as two pairs of hands tried to pull him back into the torture machine, Kili wrenched free of the assistant's grasp and bolted for the door. It flew open before him and he ducked under the white clad, outstretched arm, completely missing the grand and glorious entrance of the one and only (most certainly _the only_ worthy one to be found in the room) Doctor Thranduil.

Tilting his sunglasses down at the scene of mayhem, Thranduil raised his brows dubiously and flipped his hair over his shoulder before strutting into the center of the room. At once his assistants calmed down, releasing a furious Thorin long enough for him to barrel past Thranduil and race after his fleeing nephew. Alone and unarmed, Fili gulped and shrank away as all eyes turned on him.

"Oh... is he finished already?" Thranduil frowned slightly, watching Kili's shadow dart past the window with Thorin not far behind. "Pity. I suppose we shall have to reschedule the X-rays." Pushing his shades up elegantly with one long finger, he beamed at Fili and announced, "All right, then. Who is next?"


End file.
